I spoke with an individual – who shall for the sake of his reputation remain nameless – who labors under the misapprehension that cricket is a sport. I offer the following in evidence that it is not:
1. Participants wear white sweaters (cardigans), neckties, and little white beanies.
2. At certain intervals the ‘players’ break for tea and crumpets.
3. There is no possibility of human contact or any real physical exertion.
4. Chess players sweat more profusely than cricketers. (See #3)
5. The ‘game’ involves knocking a stick off some other sticks – a feat often accomplished by a passing breeze.
6. The bowler (or pitcher) throws the ball at the ground – which is very easy to hit and which makes…
7. The ball very easy to hit.
8. The ball may be hit anywhere, the only foul being when it lands in the teacup of an opposing player.
9. The rules of Cricket cannot be explained to sentient human beings, nor are the most ardent cricketers, cricket supporters, or referees sure of them in the first place. Because of this . . .
10. a game of cricket can, depending on the amount of tea available, last for DAYS.
11. Cricket is named after the insect, the sound of which is the only thing to be heard during most of the ‘game’.
12. Cricket was heavily promoted by the Scots in order to make golf seem exciting.
13. The preceding make it highly likely that Cricket was invented by Horatio Twinings, founder of Twinings Tea, (1706), for the purpose of creating a market for surplus product. Horatio, it must be noted, was eccentric in the extreme in that his two favorite (favourite) pass-times were turtle racing and watching ice melt, and both of these passions are reflected in the game he devised.
There will, of course, be those who contest my appraisal, but the bulk of these misguided individuals attended public schools (which, in the U.K., means private – another fact that goes a long way in explaining the existence of Cricket), and were indoctrinated at an early age so allowances must be made and grace extended.
The world has been observed by many to be going insane. I agree. It cannot be ignored, based upon the preceding, that Cricket is – in whole or in part – culpable for the present state of affairs. We hold this truth to be self-evident.